If You Shuffle and No One Comments...Does It Matter?

Well, the whole shuffle thing is getting a bit old.  Even my good ole' buddy Kid_Lysol has stopped it.  Thus, so shall I.  However, I will leave you with one final look at the wheel of songs that is called an iPod Shuffle.  It's been real.  It's been fun.  But It's Not Been Real Fun.

I Dare You (Acoustic Version) - Shinedown  (Shinedown)

Sweetness - Jimmy Eat World  (Bleed American)

She's Always A Woman - Billy Joel  (The Essential Billy Joel) 

Underground - Ben Folds Five  (Ben Folds Five)

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane  (Hopes and Fears)

Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace  (Gravity)

When Your Mind's Made Up - The Frames (The Cost)

Currents  - Dashboard Confessional  (Dusk & Summer)

There She Goes - The La's  (The La's)

Lost! - Coldplay   (Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends)

If you have not seen "So I Married An Axe Murderer" starring Mike Myers you really should watch it.  It tanked at the movies and really does not have a true cult following, but it is actually one of my favorite movies of all time.  Mr. Myers is not over the top in the film at all and it just has some good dry humor and a few silly gags and stupid jokes.  Also, Oscar Winner Alan Arkin has an uncredited role that is just hilarious.  Not to mention Charles Grodin doing what he does best.  Man, now I gotta go watch it again.  

Best scene:

Stuart Mackenzie: Look at the size of that boy's heed. 

Tony Giardino: Shhh! 
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick. 
Tony Giardino: Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex. 
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid. 
Tony Giardino: Shh! 
Stuart Mackenzie: Has it's own weather system. 
Tony Giardino: Sh, sh, shh. 
Stuart Mackenzie: HEAD! MOVE! 
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow. 

Hilarious.  Anyway, the song I picked "There she goes again" is the opening and closing song of the film.  It is just a cute little pop number, that was redid by Sixpence None The Richer.  The real version is so much better.  Check it out here. 

UffleShay Againay

I Was Wrong - Social Distortion  (White Light White Heat White Trash)

Work - Jimmy Eat World   (Futures)

Here in Your Bedroom - Goldfinger  (Goldfinger)

Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead  (The Best of Radiohead)

I Know - Retrospect  (Retrospect)

You'll Think of Me - Keith Urban (Golden Road)

Nothing Left to Lose - Mat Kearney

Dammit - Blink-182  (Dude Ranch)

Innocent  - Our Lady Peace  (Live)

All for You - Sister Hazel (Somewhere More Familiar)

I'm not a huge punk fan and I certainly do not like "loud" rock that much.  However, the lyrics of "I Was Wrong" are just so great I gotta go with it.  I've never seen Social D live and I think I need to.  They are so popular in Las Vegas that they always sell out 3 nights at the House of Blues!  Seriously.  I wonder what I'm missing?!

When I was young, I was so full of fear
I hid behind anger, held back the tears
It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win
But the world fought back, punished me for my sins
I felt so alone, so insecure, 
I blamed you instead and made sure I was heard
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn't hear what they had to say 

I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, I realized now that I was wrong

And I think about my loves, well I've had a few
I'm sorry that I hurt them, did I hurt you too?
I took what I wanted, put my heart on the shelf
How can you love when you don't love yourself?
It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win
But the world fought back, punished me for my sins
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn't hear what they had to say

Well I grew up fast, I grew up hard
something was wrong from the very start
I was fighting everybody, I was fighting everything
but the only one that I hurt was me
I got "society's" blood running down my face,
Somebody help me get outta this place
How could someone's bad luck last so long?
until I realized that I was wrong

I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, the only one that was wrong was me, 
I was wrong.

Shuffled At 11:23 PM

Love Me  - Elvis Presley  (Elvis Presley: The Top Ten Hits)

Up Against (Blackout) - Taking Back Sunday  (Louder Now)

Rosealia - Better Than Ezra (Deluxe)

Pressure Point - The Zutons (Who Killed the Zutons?)

Chicago - Ingram Hill (June's Picture Show)

Unwell (Live Acoustic) - Matchbox Twenty Watch the Video Here!

Gracie - Ben Folds (Songs For Silverman)

This Time Of Year - Better Than Ezra (Deluxe)

Bound for the Floor - Local H (As Good as Dead)

Error: Operator - Taking Back Sunday (Louder Now)

Gotta give it up to MB20 this time.  No really.  Unwell completely expresses how I felt about myself for a very long time and still do from time to time.  Noah has grounded me, but every now and then I just feel like I used to in my late teens all the way up to my mid 20s.  I remember my attempt at suicide and how God saved me.  I truly believed He intervened and gave the Emergency Room doctor the ability to save my life.  My heart actually stopped for a few seconds.  He saved me I feel to create Noah.  I don't know if that is really why God wanted me to live, but it is what I believe and that is all that matters.  However, I still have my mental issues as I put it.  I take my pills and I go see a Psychiatrist and I do what I can to be a good husband to Audra, a good brother to Travis and Jason, a good son to my mom and foremost a good father to Noah.  I know that I slip from time to time, but hey so does everyone else.  I just hope I don't slip too far.  I don't know if I will ever feel 100%, but at least I know that I'm not crazy...I'm just a little Unwell.

Sorry No Shuffle Lately

I've just been spaced out.  I will get to shuffling again tomorrow.  I might have something else to say as well.  Tune in tomorrow afternoon and find out.

Still Shufflin'

Barrel of a Gun - Guster (Guster on Ice - Live from Portland, Maine)
Here in Your Bedroom - Goldfinger (Goldfinger)
Stationary - Anberlin (Never Take Friendship Personal)
The Luckiest - Ben Folds (Rockin' The Suburbs)
Wishlist - Pearl Jam (Yield)
Currents - Dashboard Confessional (Dusk & Summer)
In My Place - Coldplay (A Rush of Blood to the Head)
Ohio - Jennifer Daniels (Fists Of Flood)
Uncle Walter - Ben Folds (Ben Folds Five)
Sexual Healing - Soul Asylum (After the Flood: Live from the Grand Forks Prom)

My Name Is Shuffle, iTunes Shuffle

I Meant To - Brad Cotter  (Patient Man) VIDEO

I Miss Me - Brad Cotter (Patient Man)

Should I Stay or Should I Go - The Clash  (The Clash: The Singles)

Anything, Anything - Dramarama (Cinema Verite)

Cinder and Smoke - Iron & Wine (Live Session (iTunes Exclusive) 

Glorified G - Pearl Jam  (Vs.)

Tonight is the Night I fell Asleep at the Wheel (w/ Hidden Sun)- Barenaked Ladies  (Maroon)

The Symphony of Blasé - Anberlin   (Never Take Friendship Personal)

Champagne High - Sister Hazel (Fortress)

Shut Your Eyes - Snow Patrol  (Eyes Open)

Well, you might be asking yourself who the hell Brad Cotter is.  He won season 2 of Nashville Star.  Yep.  I watched Countrified Idol for at least the first three seasons.  It really was not bad and they were all real artists who actually played instruments and wrote their own music and lyrics, so in a way it was better than Idol.  However, the ratings have never been great for it and I don't think even the move from USA to NBC has helped.  What can you do?  Anyway, two days in a row with BNL.  Strange.  

My Shuffle Is Better Than Your Shuffle

Wait for You - Elliott Yamin  (Elliott Yamin)

Naked As We Came - Iron & Wine  (Live Session (iTunes Exclusive)

So Low - Self  (Subliminal Plastic Motives)

Divine Intervention -Taking Back Sunday  (Louder Now)

Daylight - Better Than Ezra  (Before the Robots)

Got Me Wrong - Alice In Chains  (The Essential Alice in Chains)

Tonight is the Night I fell Asleep at the Wheel - Barenaked Ladies  (Maroon)

Different Names For The Same Thing - Death Cab For Cutie  (Plans)

Just Like Heaven - The Cure  (Rhino Hi-Five: The Cure)

A Long December - Counting Crows  (Recovering The Satellites)

Yep, there an American Idol Castoff in there.  Watta Ya Gonna Do 'Bout It?  It is a catchy song and he sings it well.  However, if you have never heard Tonight is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel. The music for the song almost sounds like circus music, but ultimately it is a very sad and sweet love song.  I could not find a good version online, but here is one from youtube that 

does not suck too hard. The guy lip synching is creep so just scroll down or minimize.

Do It Alone - Sugarcult  (Lights Out)

Stars and Boulevards (Live) - Augustana (All the Stars and Boulevards)

Break Your Heart  - Barenaked Ladies  (Born on a Pirate Ship)

There She Goes - The La's (The La's)

Dizzy - Jimmy Eat World   (Chase This Light)

Automatic - Collapsis  (Dirty Wake)

Got You (Where I Want You) - The Flys (Holiday Man)

The Sharing Song - Jack Johnson  (Sing-a-Longs and Lullabies for the Film Curious George)

Under the Milky Way - The Church  (Starfish)

I Will Wait - Hootie & The Blowfish  (Musical Chairs)

We Be Shufflin' and Some Lyrics!

So Kid_Lysol guessed correctly that Elderly Woman Behind A Counter In A Small Town is my favorite Pearl Jam song. My favorite lyric is "Memories like finger prints are slowly raising". What a great simile. So I decided to post the lyrics and a link to a decent You Tube video of it. My shuffle songs for the day are at the end. Cheers!

I seem to recognize your face

Haunting, familiar, yet I can't seem to place it

Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name

Lifetimes are catching up with me

All these changes taking place, I wish I'd seen the place

But no one's ever taken me

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...

I swear I recognize your breath

Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising

Me, you wouldn't recall, for I'm not my former

It's hard when, you're stuck upon the shelf

I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate

Perhaps that's what no one wants to see

I just want to scream...hello...

My God its been so long, never dreamed you'd return

But now here you are, and here I am

Hearts and thoughts they fade...away...

Hearts and thoughts they fade...away...

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...

Hearts and thoughts they fade...

Steal My Kisses - Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals (Burn to Shine)
Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Live Session)
Forever for Tonight - Blessid Union of Souls (Home)
Pictures of You - The Cure (Show (Live))
Feeling Lucky - Jimmy Eat World (Chase This Light)
Acoustic #3 - Goo Goo Dolls (Live In Buffalo - July 4th, 2004)
Be Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata (KCRW Sessions: Rachael Yamagata - EP)
Someday Someway - Marshall Crenshaw (The 9 Volt Years: Battery Powered Home Demos & Curios)
Always Love - Nada Surf (KEXP Acoustic Session - Live At the Triple Door)
Crying (Duet With k.d. lang) - Roy Orbison (The Very Best Of Roy Orbison)

"Forever for Tonight" is by far my favorite pick of the bunch. It is a great love song that if you have ever been in a long-distance relationship will hit you hard. It was one of Audra and my songs before I moved from Memphis to Las Vegas. Here it is on Youtube. If you have never heard it please go do so. The person set it to an Anime slideshow, so you can just minimize the window to hear how beautiful this song is.

One Mis-A-Shuffle, Two Mis-A-Shuffle

Straight to the songs today.

Should I Stay or Should I Go (LIVE) - The Clash (From Here to Eternity)
Stuff Is Messed Up - The Offspring (Rise And Fall, Rage And Grace)
Last Christmas (Studio Version)- Jimmy Eat World (Christmas EP)
Rock & Roll Queen - The Subways (Rock & Roll Queen)
Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis (Live from London - iTunes Exclusive)
Goodnight Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat (Elevator)
Tell Me Everything - Collapsis (Dirty Wake)
Wishlist- Pearl Jam (Yield)
Gone - Ben Folds (Songs for Goldfish)
Push - Matchbox Twenty (99X Live X IV "Home")

A lot of good lesser known bands today. If you have never listened to The Subways, The Fratellis, Hot Hot Heat, or Collapsis you are missing out. However, my favorite song is Wishlist from Pearl Jam. In fact, that is my second favorite Pearl Jam song. I'll give someone five bucks if they can name my favorite one in three guess or less! Go!

This Way To Shuffle

Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx
We 3 - Soul Asylum
23 - Jimmy Eat World
The One I Love [Live] - R.E.M.
Stars and Boulevards (Live) - Augustana
Cautioners - Jimmy Eat World
Dancing With Myself - Billy Idol
Anyone Else But Yo - The Moldy Peaches
Story Of Your Bones - Jennifer Nettles Band
Oatmeal - Jennifer Daniels

Alright, so I like this Richard Marx song. I think it takes a real man to admit that and even bigger man to laugh at that man. The Moldy Peaches is from Juno. If you have not seen that movie you need to or you are stupid.

A Review of A Wrinkle in Time

So Kid_Lysol and I have decided to start a book exchange of sorts in which we choose what the other person will read every two months and then we post a review of our respective books.  His first pick for me is "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle.  The children's or perhaps teen's novel was first published in 1962 and is part one of a quintet of novels.  It holds up pretty well for being written over 40 years ago surprisingly enough.  Of course some of the language is a bit dated as well as the sections that deal with technology, but all in all it has aged well.  Ms. L'Engle admits in the back of the novel that she had a very hard time getting this published and I must say I can see why.  I won't go into the details of the plot, if you want those just click on the link above.  The books gets very melodramatic, sappy and childish towards the end.  The dialogue becomes stunted, abrupt and seemingly forced between the characters.  The funny thing is I was really liking the book throughout most of it. It was like a ride at Six Flags that starts off slow because the ride has to take you up the hill so that you can be rushed forward at mind numbing speeds for a few minutes only to then suddenly stop with out a really great "Oh Crap" moment.  Honestly, in rethinking about the book for the review I am actually really disappointed with the entire last act of the book.  Kid_Lysol said the same thing about it ending abruptly, but it is more than just that.  The author seems to have just stopped caring towards the end.  Perhaps she begins to care in the next four books or perhaps she did not want to put too much in the first book, who knows?  I can say that this book did not make me want to read any of the other ones.  The strange thing is that it won the John Newbery Medal for the most distinguished contribution to American Literature for children.  Well, this proves that every one really has there on opinion because it would not have gotten my vote.  Hell, this review, what little there is of it, kind of sucks too.  Thus, let's just get to the scale shall we? I give it a 3 out of 5.  If you want the book for yourself let me know and I will be glad to stick it in the mail for you if I still have it.  Cheers and the next review will be "Hard-Boiled Wonderland and The End of The World" by Haruki Murakami.  I've never read a book that had to be translated from Japanese into English so this might be fun.  My wife read the summary on the back of the book and said, "I can't even tell what the hell the thing's supposed to be about."  If that is not a vote of confidence I don't know what is.

I Shuffle, Do You?

Break Your Heart - Barenaked Ladies
Ever So Sweet - The Early November
If It Were Up to Me (Live) - Rooney
On My Way (Acoustic) - Ingram Hill
The Bucket - Kings of Leon
Country Grammar (Hot...) - Nelly
Molly - Sponge
Selfless, Cold and Composed - Ben Folds Five
My Next Thirty Years - Tim McGraw
Anything, Anything - Dramarama

Looks like my iPod decided to show me just how vast my taste in music is. Nothing like hearing Nelly and then Tim McGraw. Fun times. Yep, I said fun times.

Been A Rough Week

No posts since Monday.  Like Jeenkies Yo!  I am still recovering from working all last week at both my jobs and training new employees and being a dad and this and that.  Anyway, here are today's songs and a review from the first book of the Two Brothers Book List...A Wrinkle In Time is coming tomorrow.

Here I Stand (Live) - Madina Lake

Summer House - Better Than Ezra

Cute Without the E (Cut from the Team) - Taking Back Sunday

You Get What You Give - New Radicals

Miami - Taking Back Sunday

Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms

Simply Because (Live)  - Rooney

F.N.T. - Semisonic

Sports & Wine - Ben Folds

Divine Intervention - Taking Back Sunday

iTunes is obsessed with Taking Back Sunday today apparently.  My choice though is F.N.T. by Semisonic.  Not too many people know this song from them due to the overwhelming popularity that was "Closing Time".  However, F.N.T. was their FIRST single and it actually charted pretty high.  It is a better song in my opinion and here is a link to a version of it.  Oh, F.N.T. stands for Fascinating New Thing by the way.

Shuffffffle

Just Tonight - Jimmy Eat World

The Debt Collectors - Ben Lee

Rock & Roll Queen -The Subways

Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen - Anberlin

Questions - Jack Johnson

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson

Everything - Lifehouse

On My Way - Ingram Hill

Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle - Cake

Count on Me (Somebody) - Tonic

Pretty poor shuffle today.  I'm torn between Everything and Count on Me (Somebody).  Look 'em up and you decide.

UffleShay

Witch Doctor (Classic Version) - Alvin and the Chipmunks

Flathead  - The Fratellis

Mable - Goldfinger

Nothingman - Pearl Jam

Love Song - Sara Bareilles

Ache (Demo Version) - James Carrington

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

I Miss Me - Brad Cotter

Old Man and Me - Hootie & The Blowfish

Paralyzed (Acoustic Version) - Rock Kills Kid

Got one of Noah's song this time.  I actually don't mind it too much.  Out of all of these, I will have to go with Ache from James Carrington.  If you want a copy just email me.  It is great.  I heard it at the end of the Smallville Episode "Wither" from Season 6 and cried. 

If You Shuffle They Will Come

Green Hills Race for California - Emerson Hart

If You're Gonna Leave  - Emerson Hart

Good - Better Than Ezra

Solsbury Hill - Ingram Hill

Time Won't Let Me Go - The Bravery

Tell Her This  - Del Amitri

Fade Into You - Mazzy Star

No Right Angles - Ben Lee

Remain  - Jennifer Nettles Band

Supernova (iTunes Originals Version) - Liz Phair

Oops

So I missed yesterday's post. Darn it all to heck. It was a long day and I apologize. Here is today's list.

1. Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Breaking The Girl
2. Beck - Loser
3. Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart
4. Death Cab for Cutie - What Sarah Said (This one will tug at your heart)
5. Jimmy Eat World - In The Middle
6. Coldplay - Clocks
7. Foo Fighters - Walking After You
8. Violent Femmes - American Music
9. Jennifer Nettles - Story of your Bones
10. People Who Must - Been In Love

I actually love what I got this morning except for the first two. American Music is my second favorite Femmes track and People Who Must could have been a great band if they would have ever had the right management. Oh well. There music will live on forever even if their career did not.

Do The Shuffle

Better late than not at all.

Chase This Light - Jimmy Eat World

C'mon N' Ride It (The Train) - Quad City DJ's

From Where You Are - Lifehouse

Innocent  - Our Lady Peace

The Rock Show - Blink-182

Audrey, Start the Revolution - Anberlin

I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You - Tom Waits

Angels or Devils - Dishwalla

Next Year - Foo Fighters 

The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang

Running the gambit on this one.  From straight up rap to 70's stuff from Tom Waits and then we get novelty fun with The Bad Touch.  My iPod is losing its mind.

Dealer! Shuffle 'Em Up!

Another nice toss of the dice and here we go.

1. Coldplay - Fix You
2. Offspring - Come Out and Play
3. Live - The Dolphin's Cry
4. Nirvana - Polly
5. Ben Folds - Landed
6. The Why Store - Father
7. Anberlin - Paperthin Hymn
8. The Counting Crows - Have You Seen Me Lately?
9. Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice
10. Atheneaum - Flat Tire

All about the Counting Crows. That song has some pretty special meaning to me. I am not even sure if Kid Lysol knows about this story. He might if he really thinks about it. Here are the lyrics.

Shuffle 'Em Up III

Here We Go For Today. Honestly, a pretty good mix this time.

1. Please Forgive Me - David Gray
2. Love Vigilantes - Iron and Wine
3. Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
4. Uncle Walter - Ben Folds Five
5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion
6. Rachel Yamagata - Be Your Love
7. Say Anything - Alive With the Glory of Love
8. Bryan Adams - Summer of '69
9. Billy Joel - And So It Goes
10. Jimmy Eat World - Dizzy

And So It Goes has to be one of my top five favorite songs. It is so well written and will tear out your heart. As you all know, I am a hopeless romantic with a love of sad songs so it is right up my alley. Cheers Everybody!

A Sad Weekend

The mascot for the University of Georgia Bulldogs, Uga VI the bulldog, passed away over the weekend.  This is actually a big deal for the South.  In fact, Uga V, Uga VI's dad is the only college mascot to ever grace the cover of Sports Illustrated.  No matter what anyone else thinks or says, there is something very special and unique about Uga.  He will be missed by this Dawg.  Here is a link to the story. 

Now, for the Shuffle Songs of the day.

Hands Open (Live) - Snow Patrol
Solsbury Hill - Ingram Hill
Light - Ben Lee
Breathe - Greenwheel (This is the real version of the song Melissa Etheridge covered and scored a huge hit with.  Look it up.)
Sad Songs - The Frames
The Killer Inside - Better Than Ezra
Hang - Matchbox Twenty
We Used to Be Friends - The Dandy Warhols 
Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle - Cake
That'll Be the Day - Buddy Holly & The Crickets

Shuffle Songs of the Day

Howdy all,

My new friend, Kid Lysol, does this on his blog so I figured why not be a loser and steal it from him.  I will post the first Ten Shuffled Songs I get on my iPod just for S and Gs.  Here we go.

Undone (The Sweater Song) - Weezer

Marching Bands Of Manhattan - Death Cab for Cutie

Simply Because (Live)  - Rooney

Someday Someway - Marshall Crenshaw

Sick Cycle Carousel - Lifehouse

The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine

Drugs or Me - Jimmy Eat World

If It Were Up to Me (Live) - Rooney

Divine Intervention - Taking Back Sunday

New Shoes - Paolo Nutini

Iron and Wine has got to be my favorite pick today.  Check out an older post for the lyrics and a challenge for you to figure out what the song means to you.

The Road Is Walked

Alright, so I just put down "The Road". It was great. Sad beyond all imagination, but great. I don't really know what to say right now as my heart is currently sitting beside me after being ripped from my chest. Plus, I am all stopped up and my face is tracked with tears...so I should just say...READ IT.

Rest In Peace

George Carlin passed away this past weekend and I must say that it is a sad time for comedy.  In recent years his material was a bit, well, all over the place.  However, in his prime he was incredibly funny and poignant.  Hell, even about ten or so years ago he had an HBO special that made me cry it was so hilarious.  He will be missed.  Here is the story.

Here is some of what made Carlin great.  I completely disagree with his view of Christianity and I pray that God has mercy on his soul, because he was ultimately a good person just not a believer and I don't feel that a person should burn in hell for all eternity when they are not inherently evil.  I know Kid Lysol...I know.

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
8. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the jobdone.”
10. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
11. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
18. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
20. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
21. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
22. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
23. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
24. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
26. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
27. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
28. What year did Jesus think it was?
29. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
30. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
31. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
32. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
33. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
34. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
39. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
40. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
41. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.
42. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
44. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
45. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
46. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
47. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
48. Life is a zero sum game.
49. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
50. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

This list is from http://www.innocentenglish.com/.  Go check them out, it is a great site.